Alcoholism (i need your help, please read this)

[shannenholly90210]

Please read this and dont be turned off by how long it is, i need ur help.

I know this doesnt belong in this section, but i figured if i posted it in the coffee house it would just be passed over.

I just finished watching an episode of 90210 from season one, where Kelly's mom is an alcoholic. As many of you already know my mom is an alcoholic.

I am posting this not only because i need to talk about it, but beacuse i need some help...advice.

I am an only child, and when i was growing up i used to know my mom was different, but i didnt understand how. I used to tell my dad she was having a weird night. I didnt fully understand until i was about 9 and i started to find the empty bottles all over the house. I used to be afraid to bring my friends over because i knew she would be drunk and i was scared of what they would think. They used to make up excuses not to come over, and i knew exactly why they were doing that. A while back my mom met this guy at her work and she set him up with her best friend Dee. Well my mom and Dee were major drinking buddies, and one night my mom got drunk at Dee's house, which is down the street from mine, and was passed out, and Ricky, the guy she set up with Dee, raped her. From that point on things kept getting worse and worse. She tried to kill herself on the one year anniversary of the rape. I think the hardest thing in the entire world is being 12 years old and having to keep your mother talking because she took so many sleeping pills, that if you let her fall asleep, she may never wake up.

I remember back one time when my dad was in texas on buisness, and i went upstairs to see my mom, and there were the empty beer bottles next to her. I freaked out, i couldnt wake her up. I was about 8 at that time, and didnt really understand what was happening. I remember calling my dad crying because i couldnt get her to wake up, i tried for ever and she wouldnt. Thats probably one of the worst memories i have.

When my mom tried to kill herself, we put her away, in rehab. When she got out, she came home and she was sober for about 3 weeks, and then relapsed. She continued drinking, and continued drinkling with her dear friend Dee, who after the rape, didnt even dump ricky, until a few months later. Alcoholics are very sick people, and i dont think they can comprehend what it does to them and the people around them. My mom triend to kill herself a second time, about two years after the rape. She put the top down on the convertable in the garage, and turned the car on. Had my dad not found her, the carbon monoxide could have killed my dad and i aswell. We put her away again.

This time when she got out she moved in with her parents, because we just couldnt take it any more. The nights coming home to her passed out, or the one night we came home and she had fallen down the stairs and cracked her head open, or our constant fighting....she then disappeared. I get a call about 3 days later from her....she had met some people at a bar, and they moved to florida. She stayed there for a while, and the sad thing is....it was nice not having to worry about her. I mean yea i worried, but i knew there was nothing i could do about it. After a while, her and one of the people she left with, Scott, her boyfriend (yes legally her and my dad are still married) moved back here.

One morning on my birthday, about 4am. Im turning 15, and i get a call, she was at some bar downtown...and she was so hammered she couldnt find her car, and when some guy offered to help her find it, she went with him, and he raped her. I woke up my dad and we had to go pick her up and bring her back to her apartment. She forgot it was my birthday.

Ill skip ahead to whats going on now, pretty much the years i am skipping involve her loosing her job because of her alcoholism and a bunch of other things. Right now my mom lives with her parents, and works at a hotel as a waitress, She has multiple DUI's, and at one point lost her license for 6 months.. I guess the hardest thing is getting the calls at night, when she is so drunk she is repeating her words over and over....asking the same questions time after time. I have confronted her many times, hell...ive wanted to hit her. I remember one time her and i were fighting and i was telling her how i hate what she is, and the fact that i cant even have one real friend because of her, and she fell....she just fell, for no reason, she was that drunk, and she fell and hit the bathtub and for a moment i sat there thinking, how could someone do this to themselves, how bad could your life really be that u have to do sometehing this bad. I know this sounds horrible, but how do you tell someone you love, you dont want them in your life.

People used to think i had the perfect life. An only child, popular, cheerleader. People at school would tell me how cool my mom was, and how hip she was, but i mean...thats not the way things are. I mean for god sakes, my parents met in a bar, and my mom came over to my dad and asked him if he had any coccain....maybe i have been blind to reality, but what kind of people really meet like that, and think a family is a good idea

Recently i was at a wedding with my moms family, and my boyfriend came with me. I had to pick her up from her house and bring her to the wedding, and when i got there to pick her up she was already drunk...at 4 in the afternoon. Well once at the wedding, she just drank more and more and more. I got upset with her and her and i got into it big time. My boyfriend pulled me aside and said that she is an adult and can make her own decisions. Well i looked at him and i wanted to hit him so bad for saying that. Shes not an adult, i have been more of an adult then she is since i was 10. If she wants to be an adult then she can act like one and make the right decisions.

Is it wrong of me to think that? People look at me all the time and ask me how i can be the way i am. My dad constantly smokes weed, and has a huge anger issue, that frankly scares me, and my mom has never really been much of a mom, yet i am 17, almost 18....and i have never smoked, drank, done drungs or had sex. Hell ive never even been to a party. I think my parents being how they are, makes me see the true consequences of your actions.

Basically i wrote this because i want to know, is it wrong for me to hate her so much, and yet i still love her, even though i dont want to. I dont know how to get through to her. I am at a standstill. For awhile i gave up, i thought, maybe had she killed herself, it would have been easier on her family, but then i think what the hell is wrong with me, how can i think that about my own mother.

Guys i dont know what to do, and i just need to talk. this has been welling inside forever now and i need to get it out. Please help me.

Its 2am, and i have to be up at 7. And here i am posting this because its eating away at me. I watched that episode and i couldnt stop thinking....i needed to get it out and talk to sombody about it

P.S. the reason i like shannen so much is because when my reality used to become too much for me, and all i had were my dogs, i would just sit down with them and watch hours and hours of shannens movies, tuning out realaity. I guess it helped a lot having something to retreat into, i mean i couldnt tell my friends, and i had no siblings, and my dad scared me, i had no one. I remember one time i sat for 13 hours straight watching 90210, cause i didnt want to live in the reality i was in.

[blackrose]

Maybe this was x help Area.....anyway it's hard reply to you,i think you are angry with her because she dosen't had the power to fight with her depression, maybe you are just more stronger of her.

Of course when she is been raped this haven't help her to go over but if you said now she have a normal life maybe there is something of good on this story

Your boyfriend find a right point at the end...don't hate me for this but she free to act on this mode but at the same time she have to think she isn't free to hurt you, i mean till you are alone with no family responsabilty is a thing, but if you are mother,father is more different you have to think to the others not just to you

The only thing i can suggest you is to leave her time for thinking to what she had done....fight rightnow have nosense and could be have a bad effect...

I'm sorry x your situation Linzy be strong

BlackRose

[tigger422]

It's not at all wrong to hate her, most of your hate seems to come from worry anyway. The hate that you have comes from love and so does the worry, and if you didn't hate her for how she has and is ruining your life, you wouldn't truley love her. I know how you feel all to well considering my grandma used to pass out while babysitting. Believe me, I love her but I also hate her for it. Your hate is very healthy and you should only be worried if you stop hating, because that would mean you have stopped caring about her and the problem.

[anna16]

u know i have a friend who's basically like another sister to me who is in the same situation...only she doesnt have a dad...he died before she was born!...i honestly couldnt tell u the number of times she has shown up to my place having run from her's (we live like a block away) absolutely balling her eyes out at like completely ubsurd hours of the night cos of fighting with her mum (once she has had about 3 bottles of champaign or a bottle of vodka)... we got my friend a key cut to our house so she can always use it even when we're not home...i have had to talk to her SO many time...and know that u are NOT alone!...she feels the way way about her mum...she absolutely HATES her...her mum beats her round a bit too so there really is no love for her but yeah...her mum has tried suicide before and there has beed SO SO many time when we have come home to find her passed out either on the couch or on the floor...n u know what her mum has a drinking buddy too...she's like her only friend...during year 12 last year, every tuesday, friday and saturday night my friend would stay at my place just so she could get her work done and just get a break from it all cos her mum and her drinking friend would have "happy hours" as they called it

i know it can be scary...hell i have had my fair share of abuse (both physical and verbal) from my friend's mum when ive stood up to her or have just come to get my friend out of the house after she's gone into one of her drunken rages...and u have the TOTAL right to feel the way u do!...and i think it's really good that u talk about it...my friend alwyas calls m crying and sometimes all she needs is for me to just not say anything to her but just let her say everything and anything that's going through her mind!...know that there are ppl who do love u and u know even though she may have a weird way of showing it...ur mum really does love u too!!!...and u must NEVER think that her drinking is any fault of urs!!...u have to get enough fun in ur life so that when times get tough u get vent into the thought of the good times a head/in the past...so go out to the park/beach/cinema...anything that takes ur mind off it for a bit

i think im rambling now but i have SO much to say to u cos i kinda know how u must be feeling just from dealing with my friend...but i dont know how to say it to u lol

i think u are so brave and strong...i really admire you cos it must be so tough!

just know that if u ever need to talk...just to let it all out ill always be here for u...as will everyone else here im sure!!!
xoxo

[shannenholly90210]

[msyana]

Linzy,

There is so much i want to say after reading your story but i just dont know how. So...i am just going to try it..

First thing i want to say is that you are a great person. Almost in every line you show that you still care for your mum, i can see the pain you have but you are still loving your mom. Many people would have given up on her, you didnt...that tells me all about who you are.

Alcoholism is something hard to grasp for people. What the hell can happen if i drink to much. It tears apart families. They can be and most time are very selvish. Suicide is a cheap way out and for those who stay behind the nightmare just starts. Now what i have understand is that you mother tried it twice....and you are still able to get angry at your boyfriend because he tells you in the face what you deep down your mind want to say yourself to her.

He is right you know, she is an adult. And i know its hard to grasp but do you still believe you can make your mother change who she is?

You're in this big battle and hell knows where you got all that strength from i dont know. But somehow i can understand it. It is still your mom......

Linzy if you ever want to talk pm me and you can get my emailadress.

Its not wrong to say i hate my mum. It is not wrong to think you want to scream in her face telling her how you feel about the situation. God maybe you should. I bet it wont help her but i am sure it will help you. Get angry at her show her what she is doing. It might not get to her the way you want it but at least you can let go of all thee anger you feel at times.

The last thing i want to mention is something my shrink told me a while back. Your mother might be your mother but if she acts in a way it will permantly damage you, you might want to start thinking about making sure your life stays safe even at the cost of being near your mum.

/love and hugs tight

Yana

[shannenholly90210]

[msyana]

[shannenholly90210]

ive tried. a lot. she wont leave me alone.